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Saturday, March 04, 2006
***SaDnEsS....
Haiz..Sian.. Don't know what to do.. Stress?? Tired?? Can't take anymore liao?? Lol.. Life is like that.. I alway tell myself that.. But why can't i be happy and stay happy?? I seem like an optimistic person to my friends and family.. But i am not.. Deep down my heart.. I am not what it seem like.. I am a very pessimistic person.. I fear everything i do.. I can't be as happy as i look.. I am just a normal person who is afraid of new enviroment and new things.. I just like to lie to myself that i am very happy.. I just can't take it anymore.. Can't.. Can't.. Lots of things are just like this from the start.. I can say i am a very optimistic person when i am young.. I believe i should live fullest for my life.. I believe i can be happy all day.. But how wrong i am.. After what i gone throught in my 19 years life.. I come to realise that life is not so beautiful as i think.. I come to realise that i am not as optimistic as what i think.. I come to realise that i am just a girl who is.. I am just a person who live like.. I am just a person who.. Haiz.. Thinking of that means me cry.. I know i am damm useless in someway.. I know i am damm selfish sometimes.. I know i can be unreasonable sometimes.. I know i can be a bit petty at times.. But i just don't know why.. Why it happen.. I try to mend my temper and change my thinking.. BUt it's no use.. I just can't get rid of the guilt.. I just can't control myself sometimes.. I try to be nice to my family and do whatever they told me or ask me to do.. But what did i get and do in the end.. More guilt and sadness.. More unhappiness and misunderstading.. More unpleasent and weaker family bond.. But how strange can it be.. My family is really very strange and not like other.. We can be quarreling an hour ago and talk and joke at the next moment.. I do admit that i am pretty petty toward my family.. I can be angry for a long time and have cold war with them.. But i just can't aplogise like what i should do when i am in wrong.. Just like how i aplogise to my friend when i am in wrong.. I don't know why but i will become another person when i am at home.. I just can't stand it.. I just can't admit i am wrong.. I just don't admit that i was wrong(i do believe i am right in some ways).. But sometimes i am sad that i have to be blame for what i didn't do in the first place.. I hate people accuse me of things i never do.. I just can't forgive those people who accuse me even they are my family.. I will alway remember how it happen and it appear like it happen yesterday although it has pass a long time ago.. I can't stand it anymore.. Thing are just storing in my heart like a atomic bomb which will blast any minute.. I am scare i will lose control one day.. I don't want to be like my brother's friend.. He become mad after don't know why but i am sure he has just too many thing bottle up in his heart and never say it out just like me.. Although i do tell and pour my woes to my friend but it seem useless to me.. I just can't put it down.. It is like a burden to myself and no matter how hard i try.. I just can't take it off.. Maybe it is beacuse i am just too petty and can't put thing down.. Haiz.. Bottling up my feeling and thing make me feel mentally tired.. I can't take it anymore.. That's why i write it down in my blog.. To get something off my chest.. It does helps a little.. Just a littel and i am happy.. But it won't last long.. My happiness will just gone after a few days and i willl start anyhow think.. Sometimes i will ask myself why i am like that.. Sometimes i can become real mad and act like a mad person.. MAd about myself.. I can't blame anyone for this.. I have to learn to be open my heart and forget about unhapppy things.. Tons of craps here.. So sorry for the boring entire and thanks for reading.. Gald to hear that my cousin have make a disc out of the picture taken at the family reuion dinner at the buffet of my mum's side.. I'll post those picture's up if i get hold of the disc.. I hope i'll get it real soon.. Can't wait to see those picture.. Because it holds memory of my days at the dinner and it have many picture of my long long never see cousin fo my mum's side family.. Praying hard to get hold of it soon.. Till here ba.. Sign off.. |
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